omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
