2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
