i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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