im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
