Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
