he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
