Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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