She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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