My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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