I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
