If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i think my cat just said my name.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
