Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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