so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
