I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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