SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
