New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
