trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
