Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
