Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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