He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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