I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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