my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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