I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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