none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
