Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
