I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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