i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I am naked and annoyed.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
