Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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