I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I party with great urgency now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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