You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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