If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just want nice things and good sex
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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