So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
