and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
