sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
