is your mom at the bar?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
