i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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