Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
