I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
