1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
