birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
