i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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