Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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