Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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