someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
