The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
