Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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