I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
