just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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