She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
