Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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