Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
